Michael the III’s
Sneakerscopes Are Here
The Stars and Your Shoes Have Finally Aligned
- Text: Michael the III
- Photography: Michael the III
At any millennial dinner party, on any magical millennial night, the topic of astrology may very well arise from the galaxy known as “dinner party conversation.” By the time the pistachio salad has made its full orbit around the table, someone will inevitably have proclaimed something about the moon. It’s not that my guests and I lack other, more pertinent topics of conversation. On the contrary, we speak of: fashion, politics, art, sustainable agriculture, the benefits of a bit of rouge, YouTube circa 2028, DIY soup, Homosexuality in 17th century France, “Will nip gloss ever catch on?,” Naomi Campbell’s belt, sarcasm as a coping method, STI checks, “What’s melatonin anyway?,” lip injections, butt injections, injection-injections (for when you want them out), wines we love, wines we hate, organic deodorants, organic anything, rose-water-cigarettes, apple cider vinegar as a remedy for everything, “Remember malls?,” plants that can dance, the squatty-potty, “Well don’t make that face if you don’t want me to post it,” the benefits of academia vs. being self-taught, “I made my own butter but I think I’ll just continue buying it,” co-parenting a cat, contouring but for the home, trigonometry, and so much more. We just have the uncanny ability to connect it all back to astrology whenever we so choose.
As usual, it’s Bernita who sets things off. She likes to remind everyone that her rising sign is in Sagittarius. Arturio follows, revealing himself to be Virgo Rising. After all this time, Francine still doesn’t have the slightest idea, but insists she must be a Leo. Then there is our dear Clark. Clark thinks it’s all “hooey-phooey.” He used to call it “baloney,” but now it’s just “hooey-phooey.” If only Clark could go retrograde with his remarks. “That’s such a Scorpio thing to say,” Lily chimes in, rolling her Mars-in-Aries eyes. As host, I feel a duty to speak up: “My dear, dear Clark, as we have been friends for some time now, if it is true you do not believe, rather than demanding you leave immediately, I shall grant you one test: the true test of modern astrology. If you are willing, choose any object before you and (with no prior rehearsal) I will liken it to each and every sign of the zodiac with such terrific accuracy that you will tremble in bona fide belief.” The curtains are drawn inwards by a gust of wind so that they nearly graze my chocolate mousse. A flash of lightning accentuates every growing sphere of sweat upon Clark’s bleary face. In silence, he nervously points towards his sneakers. “Alright,” I roar, pulling a cape around myself as I extinguish the candles. “It has been declared!” And in complete and utter darkness, my Sneakerscopes begin...
Dearest Aries, cardinal child of the fire, keeper of the planet Mars. Upon you is bestowed a heavenly Prada sneaker. This particular shoe is red, but also silver, and in this sneaker you may find the bravery, boldness and energy of your own identity. Aries, my fire baby, I’m rather sorry to report this but you often come across as arrogant and impulsive. Hey now, put that fork down! What I’m trying to say is: what else could be more delightfully self-confident than velcro-fastened footwear, scoffing its toes at the audacity of ever having to be tied up? So too do you approach life with innovative gusto. You have far more important things on your agenda than lacing shoes, like having to delete that friend who never texted back, and re-decorating your apartment in defiance of that roommate who insisted your impulsively purchased antique spice rack just doesn’t “go”. So lead the way, Aries, in this Prada sneaker.
Ah now, my earthy Taurus. How lovely you appear in one’s imagination, way out there in the pasture chewing clovers, your happy tail slapping flies off your rump and your horns shimmering under the sun. No, it’s not that I believe you really are a bull, though you must admit, these analogies often apply. What do I see for you? Your steadfast, solid and stubborn nature befits a sneaker of indomitability: Gucci’s Flashtrek High-Top Sneaker. As you go about your day in these, you will slowly feel more and more empowered to embrace the Taurian desires of comfort and sensibility. Go ahead and find new bedsheets, I’m sure there are some on the market softer than those you already own, and you deserve it! Also, you’re right to ignore your friend’s-friend who is definitely not part of the friend-group despite having been invited into the friend-group-group-chat. You’ve never even met IRL. If it was hard enough to tip a Taurus once they’d made their decision before, in these shoes it’ll be impossible. The treaded rubber soles allow you to stand firmly behind the second, third and fourth chances you inevitably will give to others. But serenity only lasts so long. Mistreat a Taurus enough and you may end up with Gucci logos imprinted into your face.
Gemini, gemini. I’m so sorry that people think they have you all figured out when really all they’ve figured is they can’t figure you out. To you I grant the Vetements Graffiti Sneakers, which are as talkative as you are (not to mention as dexterous). Across the front of the right sole reads a motto: “And we all grow up wild but mild.” That is, of course, but one of many items scrawled across these shoes. Like you, these sneakers do not keep secrets—at least not those of others. Their classic silhouette is ideal for a variety of Gemini responsibilities such as: throwing intimate picnics for you and 37 of your closest friends, texting your ex under the table while your new date is off settling the bill, treating yourself to a new dress that you’ll soon donate unworn, sauntering past the party spot only to see if it’s popping, pretending you already knew the party spot was popping as you walk in, going out again to buy a 2L bottle of Coca Cola because it’s actually a popping potluck, changing your mind and going to a better party, and then so much more! Not only that, these shoes easily double as on-the-go notepads, great for jotting down all the new and exciting ideas you’ll inevitably never get to, but so what?
Cancerians, Crabs of the Moon and Cardinal Keepers of Water. No shoe is more you than this Rick Owens Sock High-Top Sneaker, except one made entirely out of your own home or one your mother designed. Indeed, in terms of sneakers they seem a tad shy and unrealistic, but then again so are you. What should one hide in a sneaker of such heights? Emotions! Emotions of all sorts. The anger and disappointment concerning that time you could have won the high school mock-trial if it only weren’t for such amateurish mock-witnesses, along with all the other indignities from decades past that are recalled each month in moon ritual can be lovingly stored within this stretch knit lining. There is certainly space for unnecessary nostalgia too, like that piece of paper on which is written, “Hi Smoodgy.” Pack it in! Those letters from all your exes that you may need if you ever decide to write a memoir? A dozen-or-so toys from Kinder-Surprise? The box of stuff you never use but insist on moving from home to home? Pack all that too, and with the least attention to spatial economy to boot! My imaginative Cancerians, only you could envision what other forms of emotional baggage may be hidden away in these sneakers, so remember: these aren’t just a home for your feet, they’re practically a fortress!
All hail the queen of the beasts, the Lioness, the Leo! Well, not exactly… but if you had it your way that would be the case. At the very least, we can say you are ruled by the sun: the very centre of our solar system (as of 2018, that is). The only shoe befitting the proud, confident, and sometimes dramatic flare of the Leo is the Versace (Versace is so Leo) Animalier Chain Reaction Sneaker. One can hardly take their eyes off it, with layered details, contrasting textures, animal print, a bulky sole and gaudy emblematic heraldry. Oh, did you want a shoe that doesn’t call attention to itself? I didn’t think so. They are about as spontaneous, enthusiastic and ambitious as you are meant to be. An air sign may have trouble deciding what to wear with them. But that is not a concern for a Leo! Here are a few situations in which a Leo should find this shoe to be handy—or must I say footy? 1) As a secret weapon: the conscious sporting of this dazzling sneaker in the [unlikely] chance that someone is hotter than you at tonight’s party; OR can hold the last note of “We Belong Together” longer than you; OR thinks they deserve the front seat of the Uber more than you, 2) As a distraction: using flashy footwear to divert attention from it being the one day of the year you actually have a bad hair day, 3) As a test of loyalty: measured inversely by the time it takes your friends to notice your cute new sneaker. 1-one-thousand, 2-one-thousand, 3-one-thousand… or perhaps it is a test for how long it takes for you to bring it up.
Virgo. “Practically perfect in every way,” or so that is the description of Mary Poppins, whom I suspect must have been a Virgo if she had only been given a birthday. To these virtuous maidens I hereby assign the subdued glory of the Eytys Angel Sneaker. Observe its absolute cleanliness! Beholding honesty in form and function, a sneaker of this design can only be described as modest and methodical. Tan on tan, on platformed tan. And what a beautiful platform on which to speak so many of your critical opinions. Upon a frenemy’s entrance, a Virgo may be overheard uttering to her Gemini: “Well, I guess she didn’t have time to iron her pants again,” or, “I love basic, but not on her,” before, “Okay, really, what’s that smell though?,” and, “She’s just so loud.” But those are just petty judgments. What you’re really concerned with is attaining your own perfection and, just like this sneaker, you too strive to elevate yourself by constantly getting better at what you do. And if you don’t have time for that, you can always remind people that you were better to begin with.
Forged in the sky, aimed at logical functionality and aspiring towards a diplomacy of inner and outerwear, Maison Margiela’s High-Top Sock Sneaker is the Libra shoe of the season. When this shoe fell upon earth, it was a Libra who first picked it up, examined its supportive balance and placed it on their naked foot. Don’t believe me? Well there’s nothing you can do about it. And by the way, does one wear socks with a sock shoe or not? I’ll leave this to the Libras to decide, though Scorpio season may be coming to an end before we receive the answer. For a libra, being laid-back is the way of life, so why shouldn’t a Libra slip their foot into something as no-nonsense as this Sock Sneaker? It’s a sock with a soul, perfect for so many of Libras favourite tasks: faking a smile, dropping chaotic friendships, acting like you don’t care about workplace drama but weighing in anyway, having something good to say about your ex, changing outfits seven times before leaving the house, wondering if outfit #2 would have been better but selecting outfit #3 on account of the late evening chill, selecting a perfect emoji for the mood and then needing to select the perfect emoji to pair with that emoji, achieving world peace, changing sides half-way-through and still managing to achieve peace, and so on and so forth.
A Scorpio winks at you from across the bar. You wonder, “Do people even wink anymore?” It doesn’t matter, for you’re already waving this sexy person your way. Of course, you knew he was a Scorpio when you saw the Thom Browne Black Quilted Brogue-Sneakers on his feet, for that is a Scorpio shoe if you’ve ever seen one. Charismatic, ambitious, proud, and if we’re honest, kind of intense: a Scorpio. The leather body is mysterious. The sharp threads at it’s base are sadistically alluring. And that thin red stripe cuts into the sole like the fresh mark of a whip. “Is Zorro a Scorpio?” You ask yourself as you swizzle your drink, waiting for this silently sensual person to say something to you. And then they make a comment about the way you looked at another shoe. “Me and that shoe are nothing,” you scramble to explain, “we’re just friends!” Oh sure, try and fool a jealous Scorpio. I’m afraid you won’t, for water signs are intuitive and we all saw how you looked at that shoe (the Leo from a few descriptions ago). Still the Scorpio sneaker sticks with you. It is as loyal and proud as it looks. Scorpios are passionate people, after all. Just be careful for that sting.
If you ever run into a Centaur with a flaming bow-and-arrow, chances are he’s a Sagittarius. If he isn’t, you might want to ask what his rising sign is, because that is some flaming Sagittarius behaviour right there. And it is with that very confidence that I proclaim the Raf Simons’ White & Purple Edition RS Adidas Edition Replicant Ozweego Sneakers to be the optimistic, alluring shoe of the Sagittarius. Picture it now: a peppy Sagittarian wearing a bluetooth headset, power-walking down the block, travel brochures in one hand and an Apple Watch strapped to the other, their enthusiastic booty shaking up and down with every impassioned detail about Saturday night’s festivities they pour into the ear of some helpless water-sign on the other end of the call. Suddenly, the Sagitarian stops. You didn’t notice the flash of red on the soles of these sneaker until now, did you? So too, had the Sagitarian not remembered they already had other plans. “Next week then, okay” they might chuckle, and just like the wind through the vents of the sneaker’s cut-outs, the conversation will turn, “Let’s talk conspiracy theories.”
Capricorn, oh Capricorn. The goat of my heart and of the zodiac too. For you, a shoe of icy blue, a sneaker which projects the astrological seeker of success. The Balenciaga Blue & Grey Triple S is your sneaker-sake, for it is a shoe as sarcastic as you are. Notice how the curly laces almost look like adorable goat-horns. Do you enjoy this shade of blue? I chose it because quite frankly, sometimes you do come off as a little cold. Oh, I know, I know, you’re just focused. You Capricorns always have something to say, if you would only let me finish. I’m explaining why this is your sneaker and here you are, complaining that I’ve selected one of the hottest sneakers around for you! Oh see now, you’re acting as stubborn as the Triple S, with its backwards-leaning sole that melts away from the heel like it wishes to remain permanently fixed to the ground, never taking a step forward unless it's of its own volition. And you’d be permanently fixed to your desk too, if it wasn’t for that overactive libido getting you into the bedroom from time-to-time. Okay, okay I’ll move on, you unforgiving know-it-all. Can I just say what a wonderful hard worker you are? Fine.
Should you ever have trouble picking an Aquarian out from the crowd, look for the person breathing the air of quiet confidence. They’re not the type inclined to dance on tabletops, but they know they’re hot enough to do so if they pleased. Aquarians, I hereby align Calvin Klein’s Silver Cander 7 Sneaker to your constellation: shiny and forward thinking, reflective and brilliant, unique but composed. This sneaker stays aloof in part by the unusual, non-functional strap at its heel. It is the footwear version of glamorously balancing your hood at the top of the head, offering neither discretion nor ostentation, just real, unpracticed standoffishness and allure. That is not to say either you or this shoe are unfriendly. You are are a sharing, generous person (as long as your personal details remain protected, of course). You are willing to shine your glorious light on anyone, just like this shoe. Me? Sure I have time to hear more about the Penguins. Yes, I’ll sign your petition. No, I’ve never had this much eye contact before.
If you tell me you don’t have a lot of feelings and you’re a Pisces, I’d think something’s fishy. This is why Lanvin’s Black Iridescent Sneakers belongs to Pisces, whose transformative colours are the metaphorical equivalent to your ever-changing moods and feelings. At one moment they are pink and cheery. In another they suddenly appear blue. Alas, do not think I am deriding your martyrdom, nor do I think it is only for appearances, for you derive a strength from your wistful wallowing that allows you to rise higher from it, jumping out from the sea once more like the beautiful, slippery dolphin you are! These beguiling shoes befit a person of your constant fluidity and temperamental “charm.” They are perfect for the two-week deletion of social media (just to get some space), the practice of procrastination as an art form, the choreographed dance of overreacting, getting over it, and then overreacting again about something else, the conscious choice of renting animal movies because you know it’ll make you cry, the taking of a psychic journey across space and time but being back in time for dinner, the keeping of a diary, and finally, the binge watching of 20 episodes of a series, falling asleep at Episode 3 and then never going back to actually watch it again.
As you can imagine, Clark has been made a believer in astrology through this simple test. Should you find any of the above descriptions inaccurate or unbelievable, please remember each individual has 12 planets in their natal chart and consequently many ways by which their personality may manifest. Not only that, but I am never wrong and if it seems like I am, I’m not. This article is 100% accurate and has been certified by the interns at the Michael the III School of Astrology, Astronomy and Agro-Economy.
Michael the III is a writer, actor, model, photographer, art critic, cat-masseuse and spokesperson. He has chosen not to disclose his sun sign but would like to warn you that his Venus is in Gemini. His work has appeared in Gayletter, THEFINEPRINT, SSENSE and more.
This article is part of our Sneaker Week 2018. Click here for more.
- Text: Michael the III
- Photography: Michael the III
- Photography Assistant: Michael the III
- Photo Editing: Michael the III
- Styling: Michael the III
- Hair and Makeup: Michael the III
- Zodialogical Anthropology: Michael the III